Waste Myself
by castronomicaaal
Summary: Four separate kisses between Beth and Rick, and then one that makes them realizes they want something more.


**I**.

It's crazy and reckless and something Beth never would have dared to dream of doing if not for the walkers.

But they're here to stay it seems. And her mother is gone, her half-brother is gone, and for all she knows she will be too come tomorrow.

She still has a big bandage on her wrist, a reminder of her attempted suicide, and it only seems to spurn her on further. It's wrong and Beth knows it, but she's so incredibly scared right now and that has to be the worst possible feeling in existence; to be scared to live. She doesn't want to be scared anymore.

Beth needs someone to help her forget.

It can't be Jimmy, not now, not after she'd hurt herself. He's barely looked at Beth once since, to be honest. He's upset with her and she gets that. Maybe Beth cares deep down inside, but she doesn't think she does.

Or maybe she does more than she's willing to admit. And maybe that's something that drives her along further.

Beth decides she just wants sex—to be with someone and feel that connection and forget about her stupid life and that stupid cut on her wrist and every stupid walker she's ever seen and yet to come across. She's never done it before, but now seems like as good a time as any.

She briefly considers approaching Shane for it, but Shane is loud and can be frightening at times and Beth is almost certain he might actually fuck her if she asks him to.

That's probably why she ends up choosing Rick—Beth doesn't know what he'll do; if he'd actually go through with it. She doubts he would, and maybe she's subconsciously seeking him out because it'd be for the best that way. But he has a kind heart and he's handsome and Beth knows he'll let her down easier than anybody else on the farm would. It's just in his nature.

Beth briefly feels bad for Lori for even thinking such thoughts. Especially after how well Lori had taken care of her when she'd been trying to hurt herself. But Beth is too far gone by this point to let herself back out now.

She's is in her bedroom waiting for him, both of her hands clasped nervously in her lap as she sits there. She'd asked him to meet her up here about half an hour ago, lying about it concerning her gun training. But Beth doesn't like sitting here waiting for him, it's making her nervous and uncomfortable and a whole bunch of doubts are starting to gather within the pit of her stomach.

She's almost ready to leave, to just get up and walk away, when a soft knocking on her door pulls her attention back. Rick is standing there, handsome as ever with a small smile on his face. "May I?" He inquires, nodding past the threshold.

Swallowing back her fears—she's supposed to be spooking her worries away, not adding any more to her ever growing collection—Beth nods. "Close the door please," she requests, praying she doesn't sound as fearful as she thinks she may.

Rick pauses, brow furring as he watches the blonde. "You sure Hershel would be alright with that?"

Nodding, Beth swallows. "Daddy will be fine. I have to talk to you, Rick. It's about somethin' important."

Shrugging with finality, he does as requested and shuts the door. The noise sounds louder in Beth's mind than it actually does out loud.

She knows she shouldn't be doing this. But she's going to anyway, before she loses her nerve.

"Listen Beth, you've been doin' real good so far with your shoot—"

Beth is on her feet and pushing herself up against him before he has the chance to register anything that's going on. Her lips press to his, soft meeting chapped, and for a moment he's too stunned to move. Just standing there in her bedroom, both of his arms raised by her side without touching, Rick lets her kiss him.

She's young and trembling against his body, lips on his, and for a split second Rick thinks about Lori and about Shane. And then he thinks that it'd be easy, so easy to give into temptation right now and take her on the bed in her room. But his son and wife are just outside for god's sake. Lori is pregnant and Beth's entire family is nearby too. Not to mention her age. She's so young, far too young for him. Sixteen to be exact.

She's practically a child.

It's enough reason for him to come to his senses and push her away. Rick watches her with baited breath, breathing heavier than he'd like to be. He swipes his thumb across his bottom lip, collecting the spit there; Beth's spit. She regards him with wide, big blue eyes, as though she's just been caught cheating by the teacher.

"Mr. Grimes, I…" But there are no words, nothing Beth can do or say right now to make him understand just exactly how she's feeling or what she'd thought she needed from him. Instead, before she can reign it in, a big sob bubbles out. Its loud and ugly and Rick has her in his arms before she has the chance to hit the ground.

"I've got you Beth," he tells her, lips pressed against the top of her head, hands running through her hair soothingly as she cries in his arms. "Shhh, hey now, it's gonna be alright. It's gonna be alright," he promises.

Beth hopes to god he's right.

**II.**

When Beth closes her eyes she sees visions of the farm, of her home, up in flames. The living dead everywhere and god, Patricia soaked in blood lying in the grass surrounded by more walkers than Beth had been able to count.

It has to have been several days by now, maybe even a full week or two. They've all since seized keeping track.

But she remembers it like it happened yesterday.

Beth would give almost anything to be back home right now. To be tucked in tight beneath her covers, a sliver of her window cracked open for a bit of the cool night breeze to flow through. She wants that so badly, but she knows realistically that she'll probably never have that life again.

On most days it's hard to remember the good times. Because remembering the good often reminds you of all of the bad. But she needs it more now than ever, to remember her old life and all of the greatness that had come from it.

She's shaking like a leaf, curled up in a ball in the corner of the large shed the group had found as refuge for the night. It's raining outside, large loud droplets splashing against the metal roofing and creating a sound Beth wishes she could just turn off.

She just wants Hershel, her daddy, or Maggie. But Maggie went out on a run with Glenn earlier in the day and she knows the two are shacked up somewhere else for the night. They won't come back in the dark, and especially not in the pouring rain.

And her dad is on watch with Daryl. He's just outside, but really he might as well be a million miles away.

She sniffles slightly, more so due to the ach in her heart and less to do with any development of a cold.

"Beth."

Rick approaches her, voice softer than she's heard it in a while. He has a bowl of food in his hand, offering it to the blonde. She takes it but sets it beside her, not sure if she can manage to get anything down right now.

"You cold?" He asks, trying again to get her to speak.

She shakes her head no in response, but burrows further into herself to prove her lie. Rick watches, sighing deeply, before he kneels down beside the girl.

Placing a calloused hand again her clothed back, he rubs soothingly. "It's gonna be alright," he murmurs. "I promise to do my best to keep you safe."

Everything within her tells her not to believe him; he couldn't possibly keep a promise like that in the world they're currently living in. But then he's pressing his lips to her forehead, his scruff tickling the flesh there for a moment.

Despite knowing better, she finds herself relaxing against his touch.

**III.**

Rick thinks about the kiss for a while after it happens.

It had been a quick press of her lips against Rick's cheek, just her lips on his stubble for the briefest of moments. Nothing more really, only Beth showing simple appreciation to him for returning Maggie safely from the Governor's grasps.

But it had brought back a lot for him—memories he'd sworn he'd locked up and buried long before. Now when he closes both eyes he's back in her bedroom on the Greene farm, Beth pressed flush to his body with her lips on his own as though her life had depended on it. Only now it's not as taboo, not as forbidden. A small voice within the back of his mind keeps reminding him that she's of age now. He swallows thickly, pinching his brow in frustration as he wills himself to stop thinking about it.

Hours later, when Beth brings Judith up to Rick's cell for the night, everything he'd eventually settled back down resurfaces. She meets his gaze, her bright blue orbs twinkling and full of affection as she holds his daughter tight.

Rick wonders if she remembers it sometimes, too. Or if she'd blacked it out, thrown it away. He knows she wasn't in a good place back then and he wouldn't really blame her for forgetting about it.

When she hands Judith over, a big grin on her face as the baby babbles happily, he returns her previous sentiment before he can stop himself.

His own kiss is just as brief, a small swipe of his lips to her soft, warm cheek. Just as quickly as he bends in he's pulling back.

Beth watches him quietly, blushing red. She makes eye contact with him before turning and leaving swiftly, mumbling a small 'goodnight' under her breath as she goes.

Rick figures that it's for the best she didn't ask him why he'd done it. He doesn't know what he would have said in response, anyway.

**IV.**

Rick blinks steadily as he admires her.

She's sitting by the desk in the library, working hard on sewing up holes in clothes for everybody who needs it taken care of.

Beth's hands are steady as they work, threading through the fabric with an ease Rick hasn't seen in a long while. It's calming really, to sit there and watch her. She looks relaxed, prepared to put in her end of the work.

She catches his eye and smiles shyly, nodding his way. He finds himself nodding back, hands in his pockets as he approaches and sits down beside her in the vacant chair.

"Where's Judith?" She wonders, still fast at work.

Rick sighs, shuffling his feet slightly as they rest on the ground beneath him. "Carol's watchin' her. I just came in from the fields, thought I could use a late lunch."

Beth nods understandingly, chancing a glance his way in between threading. "You get it yet?"

"Already ate," he tells her. "Thought I'd check on things around here before goin' back down."

"Well everything's fine here," she promises with a soft smile. "I've been sewin' all day. Pretty borin' actually, but somebodies gotta do it," Beth laughs.

Rick chuckles himself, running both hands over the tops of his jean clad thighs, more so for something to do than out of any necessity. "What you do here is important, don't forget that," he compliments her.

Beth takes a moment to watch him, looking deep into his eyes. She can tell just how serious he's being by what she finds swimming around in there. This causes her smile to widen and heart to pump faster, full of a sense of pride.

But just as quickly as she's happy she frowns, pulling her hand back with a quiet yelp. Examining the digit, Beth easily spots a few small droplets of blood coming from out of the tip. She curses under her breath, sucking the very top of her finger in her mouth.

"You alright?" Rick asks, trying his hardest not to think too much about Beth with her fingertip in between her lips. "Let me see."

Pulling her finger out, she lifts it up to show Rick.

"Just a little prick," he smiles. And then, without thinking, he presses a soft kiss to the place she'd poked, still wet from Beth's own mouth. This in turn somehow leads him lower and lower, soft kisses peppered along her flesh in his wake, until he's made it to the scar on her wrist. It's the one reminding the both of them of what she'd tried doing back on the farm, of what they'd both shared back there after.

Both meet eyes and freeze, Rick with his lips still pressed to her wrist as she watches him with wide, nervous eyes.

"Beth, I—"

"—have either of you two seen Maggie?"

Anything Rick had been preparing to say dies on his tongue, swallowed up and cast away. Both turn quickly, far faster than they'd have liked to. Glenn eyes them suspiciously, but only for a moment or so before he's shrugging it off and back to creasing his brows inquisitively their way.

"She went to hang up laundry about ten minutes or so ago," Beth supplies, coughing after and attempting to shake away the trance she'd just been held in.

"Great, thanks." Glenn smiles appreciatively before patting Rick on the back. "Daryl's looking for you. Something about adding more posts to the fence."

Just as quickly as he'd come, he's gone and back out of the library doors. Both Rick and Beth watch as the wood swings shut, clicking into place with a heavy sense of finality.

Rick sighs deeply before standing, stretching his muscles before ultimately returning his hands to his pockets.

"Guess I better go find Daryl," he offers, throwing her one last glance. Beth nods, watching him intently. There's something else there, something more to her gaze, but he's too afraid to look at her any longer and uncover just what exactly it is.

This time Beth barely hears it as the door shuts, too caught up in her own busy thoughts.

**V.**

Deep breathing.

All Beth has to do is breathe, calm down and focus, because she knows she can do this if she just takes a moment to compose herself. She knows that she can. She's been taught all she needs to know, has been preparing for this run for nearly a month now.

It doesn't feel that way, though. Beth is terrified, if she's being honest. She feels like Bambi, fresh from the womb and wobbling on his feet for the very first time. But, just like him, every tool she needs is there already and she knows exactly how to take care of herself—the basics are ingrained within her mind, within the movements of her body—it's just up to her to remember how to use them, to bring them to the surface to use properly.

Rick is struggling to her left, she can see him in bits and pieces through the small holes in the shelf beside her. She can see a few stray walkers as well, but can mostly just hear them and that's how she's certain there are enough of them over there to cause worry.

Briefly she wishes Daryl and Glenn were still inside, too, if only to help her. But realistically Beth knows she should be glad they got out. They're busy outside anyhow, fending off the rest of the walkers in front of the door. If—when—Beth and Rick make it out, they'll have a clear line to the car. That's more important than any of her own selfish desires.

"Beth, I'm getting' a little backed up over here!" Rick shouts, voice gruff and laced with a desperation that has her body trembling to the core.

Beth begins nodding anxiously even though he can't see it, and takes one more second to release a deep breath. Closing both eyes tight and praying to her mama, to Lori and Andrea, to anyone that'll listen that she and Rick both make it out of this alive and intact, she charges at the row of shelves just ahead of where she knows Rick's own form is standing.

She hits the unit with a reasonable amount of force, groaning as the bars smash against her flesh. She'll have time to worry about that later, once they're safe. It does the trick, what she'd been hoping for, and soon they're wobbling on their feet before finally collapsing.

The shelves fall with a loud crash, hitting several of the walkers just behind them on their descent.

Beth can see Rick clearly now, three walkers still surrounding him but she has barricaded the rest from being able to get through, at least for the time being. Climbing over the collapsed metal she does her best to ignore any arms attempting to grab at her from beneath the pile of rubble.

"Rick, I'm here!" Beth greets him with a loud shout, making sure he knows she's there for him. Afterwards she plunges her knife into the skull of the undead closest to her. It goes in and makes a sickening sound before she pulls it back out, closing her eyes as bits of blood and brain matter fling back onto her face.

The walker drops in front of her, now dead for certain, and she stabs the middle one just as Rick finishes handling the third.

Beth barely gets out a breathy 'hello' before Rick is grabbing her hand and pulling her back where she'd come from.

He's just in the process of maneuvering over the metal when a walker beneath grabs his ankle, attempting to pull him down further and towards its chomping mouth. Rick groans loudly, now more pissed than anything else, and attempts to shake it off.

When that fails Beth is down by his foot in an instant, plunging her knife into its arm. Rick is able to get his leg free from the walkers grasp afterwards, but she can't get her weapon out of its limb in time before more walkers begin approaching.

She's forced to frantically leave it behind, eyes widening and hands searching her body for any other weapon she might use. It's with a large amount of horror she realizes she'd dropped her gun at some point during the fight and chances a look back, heart dropping as she spots it on the floor behind the fallen shelves where she'd just been with Rick.

"Beth!" Rick must have noticed her desperate searching, pulling his own gun from his ankle holster before he hands it over. She takes it gratefully, sighing deeply. Clicking the safety off she aims and pulls the trigger, a walker that had gotten too close for comfort dropping by her feet.

Rick is busy taking care of two for himself, kicking one in the chest before driving his knife up through the jaw of another. The first of the two groans and writhers now on the ground, unable to get back up with its weak, decaying limbs far too pathetic to help it any. He stomps on that walkers head, bones crunching beneath his boots in a way that has Beth's stomach winding up in knots.

Beth takes out three more by herself, downing two of them in two shots and the third with one swift bullet to the forehead.

They've made it to the exit now, just four walkers standing in between them and their escape. Beth is readying her weapon, aiming for the torn face of one of the walkers closest to the open door, when Daryl comes up behind it and stabs it through the side of its head with an arrow.

Glenn is by his side a moment after and the twosome dispose of the remaining walkers rapidly.

It's only then that Beth allows herself to take a deep, calming breath. Her heart is racing, pumping so quickly in her chest she's almost certain it's about to jump out. She glances Rick's way and he's standing similarly, hunched over slightly with his hands on his thighs and mirroring Beth's own stance.

She offers him a small smile, hoping it comes across reassuringly, all the while looking him over for any bites or marks.

He seems to be doing the same for her, satisfied by her lack of any telltale signs, before he pulls her close for a hug.

They don't have a lot of time, they can still here the walkers trapped by the fallen shelves moaning and groaning behind them, but he needs to do this right now. Rick needs to touch her, to hold her and reassure her that they're both okay.

It had been frightening back there, trapped by far too many walkers to count, and with no way of knowing how Beth had been fairing for herself. But she'd saved him, just like he'd had faith she would, and he had saved her too.

Beth feels warm in his embrace, body shaking lightly as she clutches the front of Rick's dirty, torn and tattered, and blood-soaked button up. But she's alive and breathing and that's something he's grateful for beyond belief.

He presses a kiss to the top of her head, her blonde locks beneath his lips as he rests his mouth there, just breathing her in. Afterwards he pulls away, but just as quickly as he's gone she's dragging him back down.

This time when his lips land, they fall against her own.

Their kiss is frantic, life affirming and desperate but also full of affection and a heat that has Rick's stomach pooling with desire. He cups the back of Beth's head, fingertips entangling within her hair.

Neither cares that Daryl and Glenn are still there, standing by the front doors and watching with both shock and understanding written across their faces. Neither cares about the blood and guts on their skin, on their clothes, or in their hair.

It's just the two of them in this moment; lips pressed together finally, _finally _and there's something extremely right about it.

Even if it's happening within a world that's all wrong.


End file.
